I'm so fucking centered right now
You surviving the open bar?
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When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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