he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
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You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
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I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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