If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
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We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
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You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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