I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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