Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
the liver wants what the liver wants
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
