Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
