dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
