I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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