smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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