I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
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He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
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There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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