Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
