He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
My bed smells like the plague
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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