you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm like, not good at living.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
