This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
