why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
