I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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