how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
