A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
