3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
