Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
