I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
