Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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