Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
