my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He shit in the fireplace
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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