I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Randomize
