do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I didn't notice because vodka
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
