When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
