I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
