Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
