I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
