You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
