I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
