It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
