It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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