I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
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my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
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I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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