I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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