i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
