My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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