i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
