Don't make out with my wife yet
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
