2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
