The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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