Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
