I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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