He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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