just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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