Umm I'm too high to move.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
