im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
