end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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