College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
