There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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