I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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