so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
