I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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