this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
