My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
