don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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