Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
