We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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