i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
