well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
