yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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