WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
